This is a ❤️ palpitation moment

Moment: Play paddle ball with my 15 year old.

Details: Without practicing, challenge my 15 year old son to a paddle ball competition. First one to hit the ball 5 times in a row wins.


My fear:  This fear is pretty minor compared to the last few silly moments, but I think my son will look at me like I’m nuts and politely decline the competition. Also, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be a champion hitter, but I anticipate I will hit it enough to have some fun. Without this Silly Moment Challenge I would NEVER take time to do this. I’m actually anticipating enjoyment, believe it or not.

The reason I made this into a competition is because I felt there was a tiny bit of fear there in playing this game, of which I have no idea if I’ll be any good (remember Erin and her fear of playing basketball because she knows she’s not any good?), in front of others. Especially in front of my husband who will probably instantly figure out how to hit that silly little ball, and then want to help me. See, I don’t like it when people tell me what to do. I’m allergic to it. I know. It’s not right. I like to figure things out on my own…alone. Where does this come from? Probably my childhood. I remember  my dad or brother trying to help me be better at something. Soccer, bowling, table tennis, anything physical. And I never seemed to be able to understand the teaching enough to improve. I knew I frustrated them, and then  my brain decided that must mean I’m dumb. Well, there you have it! This fear comes back to feeling dumb. Oh, boy! Ugh!


Response: My son politely agreed!! There was definitely a sigh in there, but I was happy he decided to join me. What a sweet kid. 🙂

I asked my husband to take pictures, so while we waited he attempted with not much success. I knew right there I was probably doomed. Would I even be able to hit is once? The thought was disappointing to me.


Grant, my 15 year old watched me attempt with only one hit. He casually glided over to where I was standing, calmly took the paddle, proceeded to hit it 5 times, hand back the paddle, and walk away. <sigh> Show off!!  I continued to muddle through without him. This is HARD!! And I was failing to see the ‘fun’ in it any more.

I set the timer for 5 minutes to make myself keep trying. To tell the truth, my shoulder started to hurt. Sports Injury!! Haha! Wasn’t this suppose to be fun? I did giggle a lot in the beginning at how badly I was playing, but soon that just grew to frustration.

Then I decided, I needed to stop thinking this needed to be done a certain way. Maybe it isn’t about the number of hits either. Maybe I just mess around with it and let that be fun.  It was in that moment of letting myself off the hook to perform that I hit that tiny rubber ball 7 times. Hmmm….

Later, my sweet husband entered the house, saw me struggling, asked if he could use it. He then attempted , you guessed it, to show me how he thought it would work best. Oh, boy! That hit a button. I did NOT like that.<sigh> So silly.  Fortunately, he wasn’t a natural at it either, so the dumb factor faded. 🙂 I’ll be needing to explore this more.

Adding an element of competition made this moment feel less silly. I think maybe I might stay away from those types of activities in the future.

Truth:  Attempting to hit a small rubber ball was kind of irritating.  The reality is, I was kind of thinking that I could see myself carrying around that paddle ball and having mini sessions with it each day. I thought it could be a stress reliever. Nope.

The tiny bit of fear to feel dumb was bigger than I had anticipated.

It seems quite ridiculous to equate intelligence to a physical game. Being uncoordinated does not mean you are lacking in the brains category. I’ve said for years that I’m not spacial (I have difficulties with determining how far or close things are…I can’t see it in my head before I see it with my eyes). And somewhere along the line, I equated that to my intellect. I would NEVER say that about anyone else. I would fight to prove otherwise. Why can I not do the same for myself? Interesting. And so worth exploring more.

How I feel: This silly moment seems like a flop in some ways, and yet SO revealing in others. It appears that desire to not look dumb is deep within. I’m so glad to know it and start working on it. Who knew being silly could fillet open your insides so deeply.  Whew!